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Episode 26 - Ashamed of my education

How is Daniela doing now? 3 weeks later

"The conversation with Berthold set things in motion. I don't usually believe in things being set in motion by conversations, but it truly did! I tested my shame level by asking strangers what they do for a living so that they will have to ask me as well and felt nothing. No fear, shame, boredom or whatever.
Then a job came for the third time in the last year and a half in my email, Zorgcoördinator voor arbeidsmigranten at a GP practice in Den Bosch and I applied for it. I've wanted to apply for it, but I thought every time that it was too much hassle to clean up my CV. This time I did and sent it to them. It's less physical, more cognitive challenging, almost twice as much money and sort of in the field of one of my given up studies HBO-Verpleegkunde. They invited me for an interview, then they invited me for another interview and then invited me to work next Friday morning to see if I want the job. I'm quite excited about it although I know that my Minions at my current job are going to miss their Queen terribly if I accept.

I have also talked to my mother 3 or 4 times since the interview without getting annoyed! My brother died in 2006 of suicide and although I didn't blame them, very very deep inside I might have done. This feeling seems to have shifted after the podcast, I don't know why, because Berthold never asked anything about my parents (for which I'm very grateful to him). I don't feel this suppressed hatred anymore which made me mad just to think about them and caused terrible arguments with them about the silliest things.
A third thing that changed is that my mother and a friend of mine, a guy whom she really likes, always always bully me that I haven't achieved great things because I'm lazy. I have everything else according to them, I'm extremely intelligent, speak/write/read 4 languages fluently, able to learn easily, charismatic, funny blah blah blah, but I work in a shop with "stupid" people for very little money. Also haven't managed to motivate myself to catch a rich husband, my main failure in the eyes of mum. She's actually a lot like Mrs Bennet from Pride and Prejudice! I have cut contact with this guy which I should have done some time ago and I am able to think about mum criticising my underachievements without feeling pain, hatred, irritation, disappointment or anger.

Whatever else she did wrong she raised an amazing daughter, didn't she?
I also recently listened to a podcast with a painter (schilder) who was ashamed of being a painter although he really liked painting things. Then I listened to a podcast about a woman who was afraid of rejection and Berthold cited some psychologist who said something like you would be rejected 2 or 3 or 7 times out of 10. Then I remembered Berthold looking at me funny when I said "I'm not afraid of rejection, out of 100 people 5 or 50 would reject me, so what?" Now I know why you looked funny Berthold, you might have thought I was repeating your stuff from that podcast, but I wasn't! I had been rejected a week and a half before the podcast, but had already forgotten about it.
Anyway I'm going to stop now because this is getting ridiculously long.
Thank you for making me clearly see this path of shamelessness that I thought was impossible to thread on.
P.S. I haven't been able to listen to the podcast, tried 4 times, can't stand hearing my voice.
Lieve groetjes,
Daniela"

Episode 25 - Afraid of being judged by peers

How is Mihai doing now? (6 weeks later)

"Things have changed for the better since we last spoke. I was able to turn problems into opportunities, to flip-think my life and realize that I do what I do out of passion, not obligation. It was a truly transformative and very interesting interview.

Since talking with you [Diede, red.] and Berthold, something clicked in my head. I realized that I have no reason to feel anxious about standing out, but to see it as an extraordinary opportunity to change something in the world. This is a huge gift received from above, and I must use it to help those around me succeed. I actually started writing a book about student life, where I talk about common problems students face, how some of them approach school all wrong, etc. Our discussion empowered me to speak up and give my colleagues a voice and a helping hand. I can't wait to see what the future holds for me, and I want you and your listeners to be my accountability buddies. I love you all and I thank you for everything!

Mihai"

Episode 23 - Indecisiveness

How is Sarah now? (1 month later)

"What a roller coaster the conversation with Berthold was, it really took me a moment to let it sink in. I haven't even shared the recording I received with anyone yet.
I found it VERY valuable and it has already helped me a lot.
Every time I come back to the question: why am I doing this? Is it because I want to or because I feel that otherwise I am wasting my time and/or because I need to make my life valuable?
I also regularly ask myself the question: "what if everything would be 'done', finished, completed and my life was completely valuable: what would I do?" That one helps me A LOT!
That doesn't mean I don't regularly slip into the old pattern(s) though, haha. Nor that it doesn't feel VERY uncomfortable to break free from them. But one step at a time, right? It's all part of the process. And that is okay!
A concrete result from our conversation: the day I am writing this, I bought a car!! I am SO happy and excited. And why did I buy that car? Just because I wanted to and it felt/feels right, nót because I'm wasting my life otherwise. ;)
Thank you so much! I will remember this for a long time. 🙂"

Episode 22 - Fear of commitment

How is Anouk doing now? (1,5 months later)

"Hi Berthold and Diede,

Thank you both for our conversation the other day. It took a while to allow our talk to land. You're not wrong about me being stubborn. It feels strange to hear Bertold say that he is amazed that I'm able to attach at all after what I've been through. That thought hadn't crossed my mind before. I was just annoyed with myself for not being able to connect to people or things according to what other people say, but never connected it to Depression and the impact depression really has on the mind.Some things have changed. Anneke and I had a great conversation where we both talked openly about our expectations and assumptions. Turned out I had assumed she was asking me for an answer, but the question came more from me. We are dating more seriously now, although we're taking our time and keeping things light and easy. The world is chaotic enough.What hasn't really changed is my stubbornness hahaha. Or the feeling of being crazy and different and other than and not really fitting in. I think I'm just letting that one go and leave it where it is, that feeling is very deeply rooted, but it's comforting to know that there are people who feel similar.Thank you again for a great conversation that afternoon.

Hope you are both doing well, Anouk"

Episode 21 - Savior complex

How is Anne doing now? (1,5 months later)

?I want to start by saying the chat with Berthold was just a fun and safe-feeling experience. I recommend! I'm still a little hesitant about the word "asshole" that we landed on as the negative self-image. It doesn't feel like the right word, but I still haven't found what is (Selfish? Reckless? Loser? Bitch? I don't know..). And in the meantime I've been given a wonderful "certified asshole" mug (thanks Felix!) that I plan on taking to work every day, so "asshole" it still is for now!

But so here's the thing: I haven't been back to work yet, and that's what I consider to be the real litmus test here. Nevertheless, in my day to day life, I feel like I've gained some serenity. My brother came to visit and I gave him no unsolicited advice on his issues. I now visit my dad a few times a week when I feel like it, instead of every day out of a self-imposed obligation. And the other day I thought a woman was being made to feel uncomfortable by a man on the metro, but she was giving no signals that she wanted help, so I didn't intervene.

I hope this is the kind of lightness I can bring to work eventually as well. Either way, becoming actively aware of the negative self-image feeding my "compulsion" has enabled me to walk away from situations feeling fine about it. Something that I would've been grinding over in my head for weeks before.
Thanks Berthold!?

Episode 20 - Fear of abandonment

How is Myrthe doing now? (2 months later)

"Well, pretty good actually. The podcast has helped me to understand myself and my behaviour better. [...] I went open into the conversation and what came out of it still baffles me. In a relatively short conversation Berthold and I got to the bottom of the feelings I was hiding in the attic. I believe deep down that I am a burden and that I don't want to feel like a victim. To be honest, it hurt and getting there and telling a part of my life was hard, I cried for the most part as you probably heard.

After the conversation, I was relieved, but also in a kind of weird state I couldn't understand. [...] I did need to hear it a few times to let it sink in and to make it lighter. At my job, we have a basket with eggs on the table that we can eat at lunch. I couldn't reach it and had to ask my colleague. I noticed that I wanted to avoid it as she seemed busy and I didn't want to bother her. That's when it clicked and how deeply I think that I'm a burden. That just made it funny to me as Berhold said, I made it lighter in my mind. What do you know? I asked for the simple gesture of giving me an egg, tasty.

It also helped with setting some boundaries. In some cases I wanted to say no even though people told me I had to for a social gathering, it took some guts and some going back and forth but I did stick up for myself. Additionally, I could communicate that a way of communication was not working for me and how it made me feel. It worked out in him apologizing and us finding a way that works for both of us. It took a bit of time as I was still scared that he would leave when I told him, but then I realized I had nothing to lose.

It worked out well and I'm happy. I haven't told my family about the podcast. I'm scared, to be honest. Maybe I will in the future. It is a journey and I'm grateful that I got and took the chance to participate in the podcast. Not going to lie, it is a bucket list moment that I didn't know needed.

Thank you Berthold, Diede, Beer and the rest of the crew:)"

Episode 19 - I don't know what I want

How is Sanne doing now? 6 weeks later

"The conversion with Berthold was quite a turning point. Afterwards, I felt sad, empty and desolate as Berthold already predicted.
I concluded this conviction isn’t going to make me happy. Always feeling what I do has to be useful to the world. I don’t want that attitude for the rest of my life, it isn’t working.

When my husband listened to the podcast, he said: when you read a book, you always read the last pages first. So you already know the ending and if it’s worth your time reading the book. University was doable for you, because you knew you would get a degree at the end. But now, in adult life, you don’t know what the ending will be, and if you’ll judge it worthy. Maybe that’s why you’re having trouble choosing something you like, because you’re scared you will not deem it worthy in the end. But that’s not how life works, you know that right?

Obviously, I completely disagreed. When I die, I want my career and things I did in life to have been useful and valuable. Husband: that’s what you decided, but it doesn’t have to be that way at all. Just do what you like and enjoy.
Does the conversation sound familiar?

I wrote down a list of things that I enjoy and surprisingly, it’s pretty long. Traveling, forests, being on stage, presenting, acting etc. So I’m thinking, how I can do those things more?
There has already been a slight change. I’m enjoying the gospel more, it doesn’t say: Sanne you must have a great career, earn a lot of money, save the world from war and climate change etc. The message is LOVE. Love God, love your neighbour, love yourself. C'est tout. I get up happier in the morning and it’s easier for me to do activities I like instead of what would be useful. However, I keep feeling guilty. I don’t think I can fully accept “do whatever you enjoy doing” on my own. So I am getting further psychological help.
Thanks for the push in the right direction Berthold and Diede."

Episode 18 - I always feel guilty

How is Maaike doing now? (4 weeks later)

"It has been almost 4 weeks since recording the podcast, and I am doing fine! The sentence that resonated with me the most was not even spoken out loud during our conversation: "there is no need to feel guilty about being happy". Listening to myself talking I can hear a lot of positive energy and humor. There are so many things I enjoy and love. No need to check if everybody's doing fine before I start feeling fine. And if something or someone is bothering me, I probably have good reasons for that.
As an adult I can be confident about my ability to deal with other people. I do not have to doubt myself all the time, not be afraid I am too much. This insight makes it easier for me to accept not only my 'loudness' but my other shortcomings (or qualities) as well.

The first two weeks after our conversation were crazy in our household; everybody got sick, the holidays, a lot of work and a lack of sleep...I was exhausted and: I felt guilty about not being loud enough! ("How can I record a podcast about being afraid to be loud and the only thing I want to do now is sleep - I am the worst").

It was funny and liberating to realise that whatever I do there is always a voice in my head telling me to behave differently, because other people might be bothered. So I decided to let go of that. I am not listening to that voice anymore. And of course this is going with ups and downs, but it is going quite well!
I am what I am: happy, quiet, loud, angry, (unpacking my groceries when other people are waiting in line...still a challenge, but I am improving)

I wish you all the best, and thanks a lot for the invitation and flipping my thinking. I hope it will not flip back"

Episode 15 - I accomplish nothing

How is Christine doing now? (6 weeks later)

"After the podcast I tried to let go of desperately wanting to be successful. It is a struggle. But I am happy, now that I know, why I desperately need to be successful. I am less frustrated when I am not successful at something and aware that it takes time and that I got all the time in the world. There is no time pressure anymore. I am am aware of this want and why I have this want, but I am happy with the people in my life, my family. They are very kind and wonderful people. They are more important to me that being successful and I know that they love me. I do not need to be successful for them to love me. They love me as I am. Thats all I need."

Episode 14 - I don't feel seen

How is Michelle doing now? (3 weeks later)

"How I'd like to thank Berthold for the nice and open conversation. Indeed I had an inner voice judging me when I didn't feel heard. It was great to put together the both, my being a grown up kid and not being heard. It gave me a lot of insight. In hindsight, my word was more to do with over-reacting, being dramatic and making things worse than they are. Since then, it's improved my relationship with my mum. When she doesn't hear me, I simply tell her she doesn't hear me and it doesn't affect my mood too much. Work in progress of course. I also told my dad about the podcast and even though he didn't listen to it, he said he wasn't the dad for us he wanted to be and it still hurts him today. I don't think I've ever been this close with him. So, thank you for starting the healing process with my inner child and with my parents and thanks for making me into a self loathed big drama queen that blows everything up"

Episode 6 - Not good enough

How is Mary doing now? (2,5 months later)

"It’s been a great pleasure being a guest on the flipthinking podcast and I can honestly say the conversation with Berthold has had a positive impact on my life.
However, taking his advice and drastically changing the familiar way of thinking has been a difficult process. I soon discovered after the podcast that I am prone to create more problems in order to remain my own worst enemy and to continue to sabotage myself.
Being aware of this pattern is one thing, changing it is a whole new ball game. Berthold did warn me it would take some time as he suspected it runs quite deep, and he was right.
So, I take my time, try to be patient with myself and mostly accept that I am in fact enough. I want to do things because I enjoy them and no longer because I feel I need to prove to the world that I AM enough. I am here, full stop.
Thanks again for this opportunity. Yours truly, Mary Green"

Episode 5 - Too goal-oriented

How is Jochem doing now? (4 weeks later)

"The conversation with Berthold in which we unraveled my perfectionism, rigidness, inflexibility and task-focused methods has been very insightful. Once we hit that point in the conversation where Berthold told me I actually have a choice to do things or not, and that it's okay to stop with a project because I don't feel like it anymore, I felt this feeling of relief. Where I normally would not even consider stopping, because it would mean I am a failure, right now I take a moment to reflect and consider whether I continue this project because I want to myself, or because I feel the need to prove I can do it. If it is my desire to continue the project, I can also justify my actions towards reaching the end goal. In other cases, I am able to abandon the project without feeling like a failure. It helps to say out loud: "yeah, but obviously I am a failure so it's no surprise that I quit the project", making it humoristic since it is obviously untrue."

Episode 3 - Bipolar

How is Steven now? (3 years later)

"Since my diagnosis and my visit to the Flip-Thinking podcast, I’ve been doing really well with my mental health. I have a clear treatment plan which involves therapy, medication, and smart lifestyle choices. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a depressive or manic episode (more than a year). My talk with Berthold helped me most to truly accept the diagnosis as the reality that it is. No matter what. That really helps!"

Episode 2 - Fear of public speaking

How is Marieke now? (5 weeks later)

"I look back at our conversation with a feeling of gratitude. Berthold gave me some great insights in how I look at myself. At this moment I haven’t given any lectures yet, but 2 webinars that I gave last week went really well. I made some jokes and I was able to let go of the idea that I had to be all-knowing. (until 2 people came online – whom I perceive as being experts – and I started sweating again, but I managed to let go of the fear after a while).

It’s still a struggle for me, but I’m able to see it less as a problem and more as a possibility.

I am getting better at adding humour to my thoughts…and sometimes I’m even able to say ‘I’m stupid’ to myself in the mirror, but that is still hard.

I’ll get there, but it might take a while, given the fact that I’m not that smart…"

Episode 1 - Procrastination

How is Chris now? (3 years later)

"It’s been a while since I was on the podcast, and looking back things are certainly different now. Actually, it turns out I’m pretty much on top of things. I manage to successfully juggle a hectic personal and work schedule. Sometimes I still procrastinate, and I can be a lazy bum when I have some free time. But you know what? It doesn’t bother me anymore. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, “You’re a lazy person” and laugh. Because I know how ridiculous it is… and it’s not even that true. I’m just very good at relaxing. So many people around me are getting all worked up because they can’t seem to find a way to wind down… well, not me: I have mastered the art of doing very little. In fact, I wish I had more time to do nothing!"